In an exclusive report from Gamer Assault Weekly, our investigative reporter Sheryl Homes has been investigating the recent surge in wandering adults crowding local parks and monuments.

Police Involved

Beginning the evening of July 6, 2016, copious amounts of adults have been spotted wandering around these points of interest. Several police were called to scene, and their phone lines were, “Just ringing like the bell at the end of school,” according to phone operator Linda Jones. “I couldn’t believe it, I was taking five calls at a time, all about wandering millennials with their noses in their phones!” The station had no indication as to what started this phenomenon.

According to Sgt. Baker of Cook County, IL, there was no uptick in anything that would lead to people leaving their homes in such numbers. He claimed that as he got to the ‘Bean’ landmark in downtown Chicago, there were up to 60 people around at any given time. What struck him as odd though, was that this was 2:00 AM, and not a single picture was taken of the landmark. Instead, these kids were walking up, poking their phones, and scurrying away. There was even a short woman in a yellow onesie that can only be described as an mouse with a jagged tail. She was muttering something about a “Mack Chop” while walking in circles and staring at her phone.

The police were forced to abandon calls that sounded like this type of situation. They just don’t have time for wandering yellow-suited people, according to Sgt. Baker. Instead, they had to focus on the influx of missing persons reports, as citizens had been observed standing in random lawns and parking lots with no idea of how they got there. An investigation is underway to determine if there is a correlation between these events, more tonight at 11.

Overnight Concerns

These reports didn’t stop overnight, however. There were even calls near a courthouse of a well dressed lawyer exhibiting these same symptoms at 10:00 AM Thursday. I ran up to him to get a statement, but startled him. After assisting in picking up his dropped briefcase, I inquired why he was huddled near the courthouse. “I wasn’t huddled anywhere, I was speed walking around in circles trying to catch Pidgeys for more candy to evolve Pidgeotto!” said Mr. Joel Sheng hurriedly, as he incessantly continued tapping on his screen. I then tried to find more people that to interview, but it seemed that every time I saw someone staring at their phone, they’d run away from me. Finally during the night I was able to find a group of four young men who informed me of why so many people were out and about. Mr. Jack Bower stated, “I was sitting home, and this new app came out. It’s called ‘Pokémon Go’ and you like, catch Pokémon.”


Four nerds at a location “Catching Pokemons” – Credit to u/QualifyRs, Reddit


It was now the evening of July 7th, and I had finally figured out what was going on. Nerds across the United States were emerging like 13 year locusts from their homes and basements to go catch these virtual creatures called ‘Pokémon’. It’s as if a whole culture has emerged overnight and taken over the streets in their shuffling about. They all are focused on this new mobile app that some call a game, and some call a way of life.

As of now it is unclear as to how long this bizarre trend will continue, but stay tuned to Gamer Assault Weekly and we’ll keep you informed when you can safely venture out again!

About The Author

Bobby C
Director, Editorial/Reviews

Bobby C is a veteran FPS and adventure gamer, starting with the NES and Super Mario Bros. The game that really started his love for the FPS Genre was Goldeneye for the N64. Since then, the love grew. From casual, to semi-pro COD with Modern Warfare 2 and 3, and back to casual, it’s a bad week when there isn’t at least 15 hours of games played.