Today is St. Patrick’s Day! While the original day has much to do with the religious actions of Patrick, most people have long forgotten. They choose instead, no matter what their background is, to eat as much corned beef and drink as much green beer and Irish whiskey that they believe everyone is actually Irish! Whew! Sorry, we’ve already started drinking here at GAW, emotions are running high, and as part of our celebration we asked staff “Who would you most want to grab a beer with in the video game world?”

Allen S.
(Editorials/Reviewer/Staff Writer)
If I were able to ‘magically conjure’ up some of my favorite video game characters, and bring them into the real world, I would first use this power for evil to better my life! Then, I would repay my newest partners-in-crime with a few drinks. So who would get smashed with? Well, while I’m sure my co-workers here would choose rather obvious answers, such as, Dante from Devil May Cry, Lara Croft from Tomb Raider, Nathan Drake from Uncharted, or even Cloud Strife from that series that needs to undergo capitol punishment. I’d like to think my choices would stand out amongst the imaginary bar that GAW is stepping into this St. Patrick’s Day.

Alright, let’s get to the point, I’ve been talking too long already. My first choice to become inebriatedimage1 with would have to be Leon Scott Kennedy from with wildly popular Resident Evil 4. Aside from staring at his dreamy hair all night, I’m sure listening to him reiterate his tales of horror first hand would leave me fan-girling so hard he would walk away. Next, running as my stoic and massive wingman, would have to be Marcus Fenix from Gears of War. Not only is this my all time favorite series, but I would also have the chance to meet one of John Dimaggio’s incarnations in person! Who knows? Maybe He would set me up with Anya…or cut me in half for making a pun about ‘showing her my Lancer’. Speaking of bad jokes, my final drinking buddy, in what is quite possibly the weirdest gathering of characters, would have to be Garcia Hotspur from Shadows of the Damned! When he finally shut up about his beloved Paula, I bet he would be great for a shot contest. I mean, Liquor IS this man’s health revival in his game.

 

John D.
(Managing Editor/Streamer/Green-Dyed Beardo)
Wait. What did Allen say!? Yeah well f*#$ him and the *$^@, &#^@!, $% !!@&!ing horse he rode in on, whom I love…and named Sparkles. Actually I would still drink with Allen. ALLEN. ALLEN! LET’S GRAB A DRINK!

Anyway, like Allen, I think I’d prefer to have a little group. I don’t mind drinking with one other person, but I’m more of the ‘Let’s get a group together and get smashed’ kind-of-guy. That being said, my first drinking pal would, undoubtedly, be Urdnot Wrex from Mass Effect. Sure, he would attract a lot of attention, a big, fat-ass, space alien pounding down beer is sure to draw an eye or two. With him around though I dare image2someone to start a fight with us. I dare you! Plus his out of this world (literally) stories would keep me on the edge of my seat. Next up, I’d totally add Geralt of Rivia from Witcher. Just like Wrex, he is a totally badass and not to be crossed, but I bet this guy can drink (Proven by the one quest “No Place Like Home”). Although Witchers purge their emotions in exchange for their powers I bet he’s actually a riot to hangout with. Finally, I want a lady to join our band of drinking buddies, nothing says a lady can’t down shots like the rest of us. So, I’m adding Alyx Vance, from Half-Life 2. Alyx is smart, capable, a scientist, and a computer hacker. Sounds like we might be able to even get some free drinks with the latter. Plus Alyx is so down-to-earth cool that in my drunken state I’d even ask her to grab a drink, at another time. Which I’m sure she’d just smile and politely laugh saying, “Maybe another time, settle down.” and then Geralt would say “Mmh, looks like you struck out, no need to worry.” and Wrex would just laugh. Yeah, good times had by all. *With that John walks off and continues to drink, weeping.*

Kuri R.
Livestreamer/eSports Staff Writer/Designated Senpai
Oh okay, John, fine! I don’t want to drink with you, either. Asshole.

So, unlike the others, I don’t really have a group of video game characters I’d want to gather around a bar to have some crazy party. Don’t get me wrong, that’d be pretty awesome, but I’m just saying that there’s one person that immediately comes to mind when I ask myself who I’d want to spend St. Patty’s Day with.

That person is mother-f***ing Sergeant Major Avery Johnson.

Why? Sergeant Johnson is almost as much of an iconic character of the Halo franchise as Master image3Chief is. He’s one of the few characters that made a lasting impact on the fanbase thanks to his sense of humor and razor-sharp wit that allowed him to deliver some sick burns on the fly. Above all else, though, Sergeant Johnson is gung-ho NCO that has a deep respect for every soldier fighting in the UNSC.

I’ve always been fascinated by well-told war stories, thanks to growing up with grandfathers that were in the military for basically their entire lives. Sergeant Johnson was in the UNSC for just as long so you know that he’s got an arsenal of phenomenal stories that he would be able to tell in a way that will leave you with stitches in your side. Combine that with some good Flip music, booze and cigars (Sorry, Avery, I’m more of a Djarum Black person), and you’ve got yourself one hell of a night with one hell of a man.

Also, I may or may not be interested in asking what exactly was going through his head during the butt-grabbing shenanigans in both versions of Halo: Combat Evolved’s Legendary endings.

Bob C.
Reviews/Editorials Writer/Craft Beer Aficionado
image4Virtual peeps to drink with…Well since he’s already a big drinker, James Raynor from the StarCraft series. All his war stories, the pain of the Zerg war, all the problems and turmoil he had to go through, I’m sure he’d have a ton of interesting details to share over a drink.
However, as interesting as Raynor would be, the best person to drink with would be Trevor from GTA:V. Provided, of course, that I could ensure my life. Even sober, we all know Trevor is one hell of a firecracker. Going off at any time, for any reason, and with no direction. If I could be there, in person, by his side when it happens would be a sight to see. St. Patrick’s Day would be a dangerous one for sure. Eventually, something would happen to get us in trouble with the cops, but then we would easily get away by ripping some poor sap out of their car and speeding off. Getting drunk and attempting to drive in GTA is a challenge already, and with Trevor by my side, it would be one night I’d never remember for sure.

Jordan C.
Staff Writer/Youtube Creator/Resident Loudmouth & GAW Boothbabe
If I had to sit and have a drink with any character from any game, probably the entirety of the staff from Metal Gear Solid V. I’d toss back a few with the Boss, as I try my hardest to understand how he’s image7living with giant shards of rock lodged in his forehead. Hang out with Miller and listen to him b**** and moan about something-or-other. Watching Ocelot spin his revolvers in his hands with less and less accuracy with each shot of Patron.

Then, suddenly, I see her. That tattered, half dressed curvaceous body sitting alone, not saying a word. I make my way to her at end of the bar and take a seat two stools away. I turn to her, her hair in a ponytail and her eyes covered in some sort of black mascara-looking crap.
“What’s your name?” I inquire the half naked beauty.
She adjusts the Wicked Butterfly Sniper Rifle slung across her back and says nothing to me.
“It’s alright. I’m not a bad guy. Just a games journalist looking to make a connection.”
She chuckles a bit, I don’t know whether it’s my genuine adorable foolishness or the fact that a video game journalist is hitting on an expert marksman/soldier. I move in closer, our eyes locked, face to face, and I say to her, “You’re everything I want in a woman…”
Hey eyes shift and her brow lowers, as if to ask me, “Why?”
“Simple.” I respond solemnly, downing the last of my whiskey, “You’re quiet.”
(I may or may not have been the only member of Gamer Assault Weekly who’s using this as an opportunity to hook up with Quiet at a bar. 0 Shame.)

Evan Westendorf
(Editorials/News Writer/Staff Writer)
Well, since Kuri already went and ruined the whole damn thing (way to go, Kuri!) by taking the best possible choice in, as she put it, “mother-f***ing Sergeant Major Avery Johnson”, I’ll have to ‘settle’ with another battle-hardened war vet with an equally large arsenal of stories to tell, Solid Snake.

image6I’ve played Metal Gear Solid since I was but a boy and Snake’s gravelly voice is engrained in my brain. A conversation over a few beers with him would be like catching up with an old friend (and not “old” in that I’d be drinking with Old Snake from Metal Gear Solid 4: Sons of the Patriots, either. The Hell with that geriatric guerilla.).

He’s a smoker too, like me, so I know he won’t be offended if I light up. He’s also quite the lady charmer, so there’s a good chance he might attract some lovely vixens for us to drink with as well.

The Metal Gear series is known for the unique names it uses to describe its characters: Solid Snake; Sniper Wolf; Decoy Octopus; Psycho Mantis.. I would very much like my own code name, and based on my ability to drink, I have a feeling it would be along the lines of Lightweight Llama or something equally appropriate. Who knows though.

I imagine Snake to be quite the drinker, given his toughness and all that he’s been through, but if for some reason I’m able to outlast Snake and he should pass out on the bathroom floor, hovering the toilet, it’s good to know I can stand above him in the stall saying “Snake? SNAKE!? SNAAAAAAAAKEE!” until he wakes up.

With that the GAW writers either left to go drink more or passed out right there at their desk. This concludes our piece. Who would you take out for St. Patrick’s Day? Comment below! Have a great and safe St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Erin go Bragh!